Screensavers

Photo by Jakira Shaw

Written by Gabrielle Hickmon

The journey back to myself started with the changing of my screensaver. Because for 6 months, it was you. Well, not exactly you, it was us, we, you and me - together. Although, that too isn’t completely accurate. It was a representation of where I thought I wanted, no, needed to be. A representation of where I thought I belonged. The problem being that there’s no way I could be there when I was here and being reminded of the loss of it all every time I opened my phone was problematic to say the least.

I never knew how much words, no, images mattered until I changed my screensaver away from you. How that simple act would begin the process of my journey home - the journey into the depths of my soul. How the stuff we keep, hoard, refuse to let go of is actually amazing when you stop to think about it. Ponder it. Dissect why.

I wonder if I left my screensaver what it was for those six months because I needed to still feel connected or because I was addicted to the pain. Pretty sure it was the latter, not, never the former. But what do I know? Soul ties are such a bitch.

Now, I keep my screensaver more neutral. You know, more about me, and less about you, us, we, you and me, together. More here’s and less there’s. Unless of course there has nothing to do with you, then and only then is it acceptable - when there is devoid of you.

The journey back to myself started with the changing of my screensaver. And I thought that meant I was over it. But, then, I went and made it my Twitter header. Shows how much I know about falling out of love with a person, place, and time, right?

The journey back to myself started with the changing of my screensaver. But, I don’t think I’ve fully made it home yet. More like sitting in my car, in the driveway, trying to grow the strength to walk up to the door and go in the house. A home I’ve always known, that I also know is very different now - no matter what my screensaver looks like.