CPR: Self-Forgiveness

“I forgive myself for shrinking to fit into boxes that do not belong to me.” Alex Elle 

I woke up a few days ago a bit disillusioned after a quick conversation that I had with a friend. She said that she could see my outlook changing, and that I was previously focused on things that were making me someone who I wasn’t destined to be. The next day, in seemingly perfect alignment, I came cross this poem by Alex Elle. While reading, everything felt like it came to a complete halt. There was such a chill, because I know in so many parts of my life, that I settled, and shrunk so small that my fire turned into a single ember. I stopped painting, writing, creating, and instead poured into things that left my spirit unfulfilled. 

Coming to such a realization about myself, and my journey as a woman, and as a creative has been met with not only an increased amount of self-auditing, but some bouts of anger as well. I felt (and sometimes I still feel) upset that I spent so much time molding myself into everything that I am not supposed to be. I took some convenient ways out rather than taking those leaps of faith to bet on myself. For me, this became not only about learning to forgive myself, but also a lesson in self-worth. It hasn’t been about what I deserve and am not receiving from others, but how I have shortchanged myself out of dreams and opportunities by remaining small enough for greatness to pass right through me. 

This feeling is also immensely odd in the fact that while it felt like my world was crumbling, it simultaneously felt like the sky has opened up. I’m slowly giving myself the permission to start over without shame. I’m only 24, so this’ll probably be the first of many personal reboots. I’m learning that it’s okay for experiences to run their course. I don’t have to stay in one place, one frame of mind forever. I’m allowed to hold space to blossom. 

What’s hardest about reconciling whom I was turning into with who I am meant to be, is forgiving myself for feeling like I’ve wasted time. As my own biggest critic, I find it hard to extend myself grace when needed. Positive self-talk gets reallllllll difficult in these moments, but I remind myself that I’ve gotten through the hardest part – recognizing that I wasn’t walking in my purpose. Those thoughts keep me grounded in knowing that I’m doing the work to forgive myself and explore more things that I love. 

What I know to be true though, is that I am self-aware enough now to know what I need, and make room for myself to receive it. Affirmation charting has been really helpful during this period, because it makes it easier to name what I want/need. I also just feel like there’s something special in putting pen to paper and writing it out. Self-forgiveness has been a process, full of twists and turns, but I’m excited to see where I’m going.

Why Treat Yo'Self Just Isn't Enough Sometimes.

We may not realize this but sometimes Self-Care is talking about Self-Care. 

For me, talking about self-care serves as a personal reminder. Verbally expressing my passion for self-care and overall well-being to another person or group is fulfilling for me. I begin to light up when I talk about my journey to self-care and I notice how I'm gradually learning to appreciate the art of mindfulness.

In a recent post here on JOYDay, I shared the importance of celebrating small joys, because regardless of the size, they still count. This past week, I had the opportunity to share my passion for the topic of self-care and mindfulness with a group of New Professionals in the field of Higher Education. I shared this small joy expressing how this opportunity came about just by me taking a chance on myself and submitting a conference proposal on any topic of my choice for an upcoming workshop; my area of expertise and passion , drum-roll please, SELF-CARE!

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Reclaiming My Time: Self-Care, Mindfulness and The Importance of Quality of Life Among New Professionals

I was overwhelmed with JOY when I received the e-mail with the opportunity to present and then the afternoon of when I saw how many New Professionals chose my session to sit it on and be well fed with information about self-care and mindfulness. In a previous post, I shared that I second-guess myself and I can be my biggest critic so my first thought was, "Who would want want to talk about Self-Care?" Or "Don't we already know how to Treat Ourselves?" So the level of positive emotions I had running through my mind were intense! 

In the self-care session, I actually addressed the point of how sometimes "Treat yo'self" just isn't enough. Ask yourself, Is it or isn't it. Well, it depends on how you look at it. For me, I know that If I am at the check out counter at Ulta or Sephora and I need an excuse to spend an excessive amount of money, I always gas myself up by saying "you deserve it!" or "treat yo'self!" You can imagine, the conversations and insight on that phrase itself brought up a healthy conversation. 

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I began to unfold how sometimes, many of us relate self-care to spending money or actively getting up and out of the house to do something but it doesn't always have to be the case. When was the last time you were kind to yourself or kind to someone else? When was the last time you sat and lived in the present moment and you were able to list all the things you were grateful for? It's a gift to ourselves when we can focus on what's going right in our lives, and when we can focus on the people who do continuously show up for us versus the ones that don't. 

The main basis of the presentation was developing new ways to incorporate self-care into our personal lives and also developing ways to incorporate into our work as well. I didn't realize it until I was in that moment of mindfulness that I shared with the audience "This right here, talking about self-care with you all, is self-care for me!" In that moment, I was truly grateful to be have had the opportunity to share research, personal stories, helpful tips and resources on the topic of self-care and contribute to a healthy conversation about how others can continue to lead a healthy lifestyle. 

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Here are some helpful ways that you can contribute to your own self-care that doesn't necessarily involve money or other people:

1. Allow yourself Grace.
2. Control what you can control
3. Practice self-compassion
4. Practice mindfulness
5. Practice gratitude
6. Unplug from technology

Remember, Self-Care doesn't look the same for everyone so when you begin to identify what contributes to your self-care make sure that you are practicing it daily. Your overall well-being and physical health is just as important as your mental health. 

Embrace it. 

Closed For Personal Care

Sorry we're closed. 

Yes, Me, Myself & I. 

You know that dreadful feeling you get when you walk up to a store with hopes that they will be open, even if it's only the last 5 minutes. Your mind is completely set on what it is that you need, if only you could have made it on time before you read: Sorry, we're closed. 

Sunday evening is always a time of reflection for me. I develop new ways of thinking, I often meditate on how I am going to approach the week and I challenge myself to practice patience better than the week before. Sounds nice right? I agree, it does. But one thing I fail at continuously is extending myself a little too much to others without even checking in with myself. I quite frequently find myself drained, drained from all the unhealthy conversations I allow in my personal space, the subscriptions I have to other people's issues and the challenges I face daily personally while still finding time to help others and commit to extra projects.  

Well, I am closed; closed for personal care, closed for personal maintenance, closed for self-care. 

Motion Media by Gabriella Cidras

I've taken my services off the shelf, I am no longer marking my time as a "clearance" item and I am definitely returning all items described as other people's "mess." 

What good are we to others if we aren't good to ourselves first? How often do we listen to the lives of others and all of their negativity until it begins to weigh heavy? I sat, reflected and enjoyed a glass of Cabernet and the valid conclusion that I came to was, close for two-weeks for some re-modeling. Better yet, close for as long as you need to. 

Remodeling is checking in with self; It's finding new ways to care for yourself and pay attention to your own wants & needs. You don't have to respond to texts right away, you don't need to be at someone's beck & call, you surely don't need to put your own well-being on the back burner. If you're similar to me, you've naturally taken on the role as a healer/giver, listener, resume Queen and someone who can fix everything with just lending an ear. Yes, those attributes are great, I often am flattered to review work, offer advice and pour into others; it was done for me, and for that I am truly grateful. But there comes a time when you will hit burn-out, compassion fatigue and eventually that can turn into bitterness. 

I won't even touch on the fact that at times the same love, compassion, genuine helpfulness and frequent check-ins aren't always offered in return but it's furthermore a supporting factor to shut down business. Shut down for self-care for as long as you may need. 

My sign will read:

"We're closed. The mind, body and soul of a continuous giver needs this time to check-in with self. We are closed for fertilization and growth in multiple areas that contribute to personal well-being. If you've stopped by to complain, nag, whine and only think about yourself, turn around, drink some water and do a self check-in. See you soon."

Photo by Chamere Studios

I encourage you to check-in with yourself and decide when you need to close and for how long. When you re-open what will be different? What will you discontinue, take off the shelf and not allow to return to your space?

We must first serve ourselves, fall deeply in love with the fact that our own mental well-being and desires come first.

Mental Health Days

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I grew up in a household where I watched my mother reserve our home as place of peace. I watched her prioritize her mental well-being + sense of tranquility as best she could. I'd take heed as she persevered, through her own trials + throughout times of increased stress. There were plenty days throughout the year my mother would send me off to school, however, she called out “sick,” though I’d see nothing was physically wrong with her. It was often that she would strategically take a day or two off from work explicitly stating when I arrived home, "I took a mental health day." As a kid, I thought my mom was lucky when she could pick + choose when she’d go to work. I now laugh aloud, knowing how unlucky adulthood can be.

As I begin to build my own foundations, I thank my mother for providing these examples of taking her mental health as serious + necessary as her physical health. I’ve learned to listen to my body - now more than ever as a twentysomething always on the go. My body makes me aware of how much I can physically and mentally can commit to. Days free from external stress, an overwhelming workload, and most responsibilities - for me, is an ideal day of relaxation. My most recent mental health day was intentionally filled with activities that I made me feel good - got on my mat for some yoga outdoors; took myself to a matinee to see Girls' Trip; + read a book while I treated myself to a pedi. I’ve had days where I've done nothing at all besides nourish my body + rest; and there’s been days I’ve spent getting my life together + handling business. At the end of the day, however, the point is that you feel capable to take on the rest of your week.

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It’s important for you to make you a priority. Just as you would call out sick for physical ailments, its' appropriate to have remedies + coping skills for the fog in your mental. You are the expert on what your body and mind needs in order to persevere. I encourage speaking with your employer (+/or professors) + not waiting until the last minute. Understand that you don't have to disclose your personal issues, but through experience - I find that being up front about what I can + cannot handle, keeps me employed + sane. Speaking with your higher ups also can break the stigma regarding employees' mental health and work productivity. It may become a topic on their agenda to begin to take preventative measures in the office. 

We all know, you cannot pour from an empty cup. If you feel yourself becoming overwhelmed, plan ahead by having some self-care activities planned for your day off. Usually this happens over time, but it also depends your line of work and what issues you’re dealing with. If you can’t plan to take the day off, listen to your body + take the necessary steps to refresh + recharge.

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Until next time, 

Jalyn

How Can You Mend a Broken Heart?

A year ago, I was so in love. You could not tell me that I was not marrying this person. Individually, we were great people, but together we were a hot mess. Both of our actions led to heartbreak. This was not the first time my heart had been broken, but it put the icing on the cake. It unleashed skeletons that I did not even know existed. There is always a purpose behind your suffering. A couple of days ago, a friend asked on Facebook, “How do you overcome heartbreak?” This was my response.

1. Vocalizing your heartbreak is very important. Keeping it to yourself will only cause more heartbreak. Talk to somebody!

2. Let the healing process be authentic. Sometimes, we see other people go through heartbreaking experiences and think that their coping mechanisms will work for us. I can be extremely introverted at times, so I don't always talk to others, but there are other ways to get free.

3. Find something that you can commit to. Mine was going to the gym on weekends and writing short stories. It will give you something to look forward to. You will not immediately forget about the situation(s), but it will make the time go by a little faster.

4. Allow yourself to feel the pain. We always try to get over it so soon. You cannot heal if you have not been hurt.The wounds are there, so try your best not to slap a band-aid on it. Let the sore breathe.

The video attached is a moment I captured at a butterfly exhibit. They were released as if they were supposed to be boxed in, but that is another story. These butterflies had never flown before. I'm sure at one point, they didn't think/know that they were even gonna become butterflies, but they realized that they had wings, and they put them to use. This is the process of overcoming heartbreak. A rebirth of you and your heart will take place.

Oh, I forgot one thing. Patience. You may heal in 5 weeks, while another person might recover in 5 years. It all depends on the heart. I hope this helps.

Reclaiming My Time

On July 27th, U.S. Representative Maxine Waters made headlines as a result of her exchange with Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin. The timed conversation between Waters and Mnuchin consisted of her asking him about the possibility of Donald Trump’s having financial ties to Russian banks. In an attempt to have a productive dialogue, Waters soon realized that her time was not being valued She took ownership of the conversation with the phrase, ‘reclaiming my time’ and reminded Mnuchin of her intention of the conversation.   

Congresswoman Waters set an example for all of us to follow. Time is our most valuable commodity, and it’s something that we can never get back. Effective time management is a critical component of self-care. Our intentions have to be well outlined and we must not lose sight of our goals. If we do, we either hit roadblocks that leave us trapped in stagnation or we deviate from our predestined path. Here are five simple adjustments that I’m making to reclaim my time and reaffirm my intentions.

1. Get 6-8 hours of sleep

I never noticed how important getting my rest was. At my last physical, my doctor asked me about how much sleep I was getting per night. I had recently subscribed to a ‘No Days Off’ mentality that convinced me to believe that I could properly function off of 3-4 hours of sleep per weeknight and 9 or 10 hours on the weekend. He then let me know about the negative mental and physical effects that the previously stated schedule would soon cause if I kept it up. 6 hours of sleep should be the bare minimum and 8 hours per night would be ideal. I got 7 hours of sleep last night and I was surprised by how productive I am currently without needing a large cup of coffee.

2. Social Media Fast

The other day, I caught myself scrolling on Twitter and Instagram for a total of one hour. Constantly paying attention to what other people were doing was distracting me from my own responsibilities. I was also posting every day, which dampened the novelty of my experiences. I removed all of my social media apps from my phone today and it feels good to fully focus on the things that pertain to me. I don’t know how long this fast will last, but I’ve made a plan to go without it for a week to start out with.

3. Daily Devotional/Morning Meditation

I’ve come to find out that the way my morning starts sets the tone for how I approach my day. When I wake up earlier in the morning to meditate, journal, and read the bible, I find myself to be more peaceful throughout the day. When I don’t, I find myself to be far more irritable and introverted. Making the time to center myself spiritually results in me having better days as a whole.  

4. Exercise/Read

Our physical and mental upkeep is vital for our own trajectory. I’ve recently realized that walking is a valuable stress reliever. Since most of my obligatory activities are within walking distance, putting a playlist together and achieving 10-12,000 steps a day has now turned into a routine. Imagine a week without road rage or paying for gas! Even if you aren’t able to walk everywhere, the gym is a great way to work off any anger from your work day.

It’s also a novel idea to take your mind off your own situation by immersing yourself into a good book. Dwelling too much on your job, school, or personal desires can easily result in a burnout effect. My literary interests are in the realm of biographies, self-help books, and realistic fiction novels. I currently finishing a book called ‘Unthink’ by Erik Wahl. I’ve found out that exposing myself to the imagination of different authors benefits my own creativity in everyday life.

5. Socialize with People That You Actually Like

This suggestion might seem to be ridiculously simple, but a lot of us work, study, or live in environments where we’re placed with the mental task of being around people that we don’t like. Nowadays I find myself cherishing the close knit collective of friends a lot more these days. Corporate kindness during the work week needs to be balanced out by securing time to spend with the people that know you best. Even though the movie ‘Girls Trip’ was primarily intended to entertain, the film proves that spending time with friends has therapeutic value.

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In closing, We all need to work on realigning ourselves on a frequent basis. The most productive versions of ourselves are exposed when our core is fully intact. Self-care and time management go hand in hand.

Banner Photography of Congresswoman Waters

Love Your Chapter: Embrace Self-Care

Unfortunately, I catch flights AND I can't feelings. I have a hard time saying no to things I should and I often tend to bite off more than I can chew. Why? Because I can. 

But, I also realize that catching more flights than negative feelings contribute to my self-care, saying no to projects and saying yes to myself is a form of self-care. Although my wise decision making comes in waves at times I'm grateful for every opportunity I have to start over & reset.

My cup. What does my self-care cup look like? Is it full, is it empty? Is it plastic, is it glass? What's in my cup is what's in my cup. We all have a cup and at times we allow our cups to overflow due to the expectations of others or you may be like me and be to hard on yourself. I often write about my cup being chipped, half-empty, spilled, rattled & re-filled; I meditate and reflect on what self-care looks for me and how important it is for me to constantly replenish and to be mindful of whom I let drink from my cup and the things that cause my cup to overflow. 

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Self-Care for me on this Friday morning is enjoyable as I sip Blueberry Hibiscus tea and reflect on the recent changes in my life. I take pride in the fact that I'm bold, courageous, I travel solo and I can't seem to sit still. When we ignore our self-care regimens, our self worth and internal feelings it can cause burn out, stress, anxiety, irritability, depression and even high blood pressure. I know because within a years' time I've experienced all those things, alone. I recently quit my job, relocated, spent long days in silence, cried, laughed and gave myself a few pats on the back; all over the span of 4 weeks.

Being highly extroverted and confident doesn't make up for the fact that I too have times where I need to reset and check in with myself.

I am in my mid-twenties and I've found that as the days pass it's important for me to live out my truth and be happy. I recently left a job that was no longer serving me in ways I found desirable. I was constantly saying yes to people and things that didn't make me happy or fulfill me in joyful ways. The job didn't align with my personal mission and values in life, which I find important.

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Self-Care for me is getting in tune with my intuition, my wants & needs and deciphering what just isn't working anymore. How can I be a self-care advocate but not be fulfilled mentally, spiritually, personally and professionally? That's when I made a conscious decision and a choice to feel free, to give myself a second chance, and to tap into my own self-worth.

Self care for me is unplugging for awhile, being with "self" for a nice period of time. It's detaching from people and things that consume a lot of my time and energy. Protecting my peace, space, mind, body & soul is a form of self-care for me. Too often we overlook that we in fact have needs, those needs don't necessarily come from others, it starts with self. So protect what you allow in your precious space.

Self care for me is releasing one-sided relationships. As a natural healer and giver, I find myself trying to create harmony amongst everyone, being there for everyone and trying to be everything to everyone. In case you're wondering, being depicted as the "strong" friend serves its purpose, but even I don't have it all together.

I often ask myself when balancing relationships: Who are the fruit pickers and fertilizers within my life? Who holds me accountable? Who supports me when it's needed most or pushes me to be my best self? Ask yourself those questions and evaluate the relationships in your life, self-care. Maintaining healthy relationships is important but it shouldn't be a chore, you shouldn't feel like you over extend yourself. 

Remember to give to yourself as much as you give of yourself. 

Self care for me is touching every inch of my body, recognizing that it is accepted fully by me. When I wrote "Lines of Accepted Flaws" I wrote that with every woman in mind who may struggle with self-acceptance, the appearance of their scars and stretch marks. 

Listening to Common's "One Day It'll All Make Sense" with no skips is "self-care" for me. Listening to the lyrics and being able to vibe to melodic tunes and words that contribute to my identity makes me feel at ease. When Solange sings about "Cranes in the Sky" I begin to reflect on a past lover and how letting go allowed me to recover; self-care was putting me first. We all heal, grow and process differently; but be mindful that letting go is a form of self-care.

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Self-Care for me is connecting with black artists and studying the inspiration behind their expression. As a poet and writer, I tend to write about the things I find inspiring, things I find troubling to talk about aloud and I use it as a space to feel full and whole.

That's what self-care for me looks like. Nobody can define what it looks like for you.

I’m at a chapter in my life where Peace IS a priority, I now understand that I am responsible for my OWN happiness, and I realize that moving forward is the only option. 

Loving this chapter. 

My Soundtrack To Self-Love (Part 2)

Self-love starts with an irreversible decision to be better. It's a self-kept promise to put in the necessary work to transcend your current situation. Here's part two of my soundtrack to self-love.

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6. Through The Wire - Kanye West

"I'm a champion, so I turn tragedy to triumph"

After I was finished with my shift, I bought a notebook and went home to plan my exit strategy. I could pay off the bill by Christmas Eve and still have money left over for myself. I committed to December 30th being the last day at my job. I would spend New Year's Eve at church with my family and be back in school on January 11 for the Spring semester. I challenged myself. I saved my money. I acted on bettering my situation. My consistency resulted in victory. I walked through a negative space to arrive at a new positive. I was secure. I valued life in a different way. My appreciation was on another level. I was a lot more serious than before. I grew. 

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7. That's How I Knew - Nipsey Hussle

"Now I got a different goal, 'cause I reached all my old ones"

That semester introduced me to a lot of experiences that changed my view on my own abilities. I was selected to be in music ensembles that I hadn't been in before. I was in a theater giving a concert for four nights. I was traveling just to play music for people I had never met. My reality was my fantasy. Anything was possible. I started doing weddings and getting paid for my public performances. I was now living the life that I spent so many nights dreaming about.

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8. Biking - Frank Ocean ft. Jay-Z & Tyler, The Creator

"Life goes in cycles, what goes around comes around"

As I was elevating, so was my ego. I became engulfed in my own abilities. I believed that each accomplishment derived from my own doing. I was like a helium balloon, lost in the atmosphere. On May 26th,  2016, I fell ill with a serious case of pneumonia. My fever was 104 degrees with high potential of brain damage if my temperature been just two degrees higher. To make matters worse, I was just offered a job as an administrative assistant for an artist management company the day before. The pneumonia was so bad that I couldn't work or even play my saxophone for a month. I used that time to reflect on all the things I was doing wrong up to that point. I realized that my relationship with God wasn't where it needed to be, nor was I as grounded as I needed to be. I viewed my pneumonia as God's way of humbling me. On June 25th, I was well enough to play my horn. I had a gig where I performed Mahalia Jackson's rendition of 'The Lord's Prayer'. From that day on, I decided to put God first. I let go of trying to control everything and believed in Him. If something bad happened, I would rest assured knowing that I was in His safety. 

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9. Love Yourz - J. Cole

"For what's money without happiness? Or hard times without the people you love?"

Lately, I've noticed that the beauty in life is found in the balance of ambition and appreciation. I still have professional goals, but I also make time to FaceTime my little sister. A direct deposit doesn't mean as much as a two hour and fourteen-minute conversation with my mother about life and God's plan. I still feel like a helium balloon, but my loved ones keep me from drifting too far away. Their love is what pushes me to go further. I practice self-care by being loyal to them.

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10. Rolls Royce ***** - 2 Chainz

"Believe in yourself, who else gon' believe in you?"

I've been through quite a bit in these past two years. The main lesson that I've learned is that life has its ups and downs. Not everything is my fault, but everything in my life is to help me grow from where I was. Self-Care is a practice that never stops. It's a journey of checkpoints. I practice self-care by meditating every morning. I have a journal that I write in every day. I practice self-love by believing in myself. I purchased a domain name and published my own website. I released my first album. I have my own radio show. I'm a writing contributor for this website. All of these things were deferred dreams until now. I acted and started moving toward the lifestyle that I wanted for myself. There's a lot more to do, but I'm growing. I can feel it. 

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I wrote this article to help anyone who was like me and was unsure about the concept of self-love. What songs would serve as your soundtrack to self-love? Let me know in the comments below. Peace and Love. 

My Soundtrack To Self-Love (Part 1)

Self-love is a concept that I never understood until two years ago. I always thought it was a conversation held between women who listened to Mary J. Blige or memorized the script for Waiting To Exhale. With that being said, experience is the greatest teacher and I've been a student of self-love since 2015. Here is part one of my story of self-care, told using ten songs that serve as a soundtrack. 

1. All Falls Down - Kanye West ft. Syleena Johnson

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"Tell me that ain't insecure. The concept of school seems so secure"

 I was a 20-year-old transfer student, ecstatic to embark on my first fall semester of a University that held a population of 27,000 people. I was offered a much-needed marching band scholarship after a fiasco that caused me to quit my summer job two weeks into June.  

A week before band camp began, I got an email from the Band director, saying that he received notice of a hold on my student account. Thinking it was an overdue library fee, I went to the Student Accounts office with a wrinkled twenty dollar bill, ready to resolve the issue. I gave the cashier my information and reached for the twenty when she told me that the total for the bill was three thousand, three hundred, thirty-eight dollars and forty-seven cents. She also said that my classes for the fall semester would be dropped if I couldn't clear the bill before school started. I also would be denied housing for band camp. At this moment, I lost my balance and the security of being in school had been stripped away.

2. FEAR. - Kendrick Lamar

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"My biggest fear was being judged: how they look at me reflect on myself, my family, my city. What they said 'bout me revealed if my reputation had missed me"

The fear that took over my body was numbing. I had nothing. My comfort was cradled in the fact that I was in school. That was now gone. I already told my parents about how excited I was to experience my new environment and I broadcasted my academic accomplishments to my church family prior to leaving. Now I had to carry that shame back home and wear it like a uniform. My greatest fear became my own reflection.

3. Mad - Solange ft. Lil Wayne

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"You've got the right to be mad, but when you carry it alone you find it only gettin' it in the way...gotta let it go"

So, there I was: back home with my parents, working a job that had nothing to with music, and going to church every Sunday just to play for the choir and leave before anyone asked me how school was going. I was angry. The flame of my fury only grew stronger when I found out that the bill on my student account stemmed from a miscalculation on the University's behalf. I went from living my dream as an emerging saxophonist to scrubbing toilets for nine dollars an hour. I would sleep for 12 hours per day and only woke up to go to work. I eventually stopped going to church just to take more shifts. I was running from my own reality. I was hiding from honesty. 

4. 20 Something - SZA

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"How could it be -- 20 something, all alone, still not a thing to my name?"

After living in fear, then in anger, the next stage that I embraced was remorse. My untamed ambition as a twenty-year-old had been stunted by reality. I was now subscribed to the religion of 'playing it safe' because of the fear that I had of being caught off guard again. Being exposed caused me to hide behind the same wings that I was born with so that I could fly. My imagination that once gave me the courage to be an eagle was now damaged by a reality that persuaded me to be an ostrich. 

5. FIND YOUR WINGS - Tyler, The Creator ft. Roy Ayers, Syd, and Kali Uchis

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"Hey you, whatcha doin' and why you runnin'? [You're] supposed to fly and take control 'cause you're the pilot."

On December 12th, 2015, my older sister graduated from college. It hadn't been an easy road for her, but she never gave up. She did it. I was ready to be the family member that you didn't want to sit next to at a graduation. I was proud. When I got up that morning to iron my clothes, I got called into work. They didn't care about my sister or her graduation and even threatened to fire me if I didn't come in. My greatest regret is missing her graduation for a shift that paid me sixty dollars. I decided that day that I had to take control of my situation. I had enough.

4:44 - Time To Love Yourself

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Self-Love comes in many forms. It can be as disciplined as scheduling weekly meetings with a therapist, or it could be as innocent as getting a shape up and milly rocking at a red light to Playboy Carti's 'Magnolia'.

One of the most poignant displays of self-love in 2016 was the release of Solange's sophomore LP, 'A Seat at the Table'. The album served as a 52-minute therapy session that allowed the songstress to shed a layer of skin that was once worn as a costume.

Through an honest conversation with her reflection, in addition to those who contributed to the makeup of her DNA, she understood her roots as well as the fruits she produced up to this point. The album was celebrated as the soundtrack for the Black Woman's journey to self-love.

Such impact sparks the question of where is the guide to the internal evolution for (Black) Men?

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The delayed response to this question might lead one to believe that there is no such guide for men. The recipe for testosterone doesn't call any introspection. Money and status are the only components we need to generate in order be deemed as 'complete'. Anything else, whether positive or negative, is considered as sprinkles on top of a blandly vanilla ice cream cone.

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While rappers such as Drake, J. Cole, and Kendrick Lamar have used their music to turn the mirror on themselves, Jay-Z's '4:44' is one of Rap's first attempts in the 21st century to face their own image and take action to improve it. Here are 4 keys that we as men can take away from Jay's album and apply to our daily lives.

1. Kill [Your Ego]

Practicing self-love is not feminine behavior. It's not masculine behavior. Loving yourself is human behavior that is essential for survival. Drink more water. Be proactive in the way you address your emotions before you erupt. Place your value on your relationships before your bank account. 

2. Smile

No part of life is all bad. No part of life is all good, either. The beauty of life is found in the balance of it all. Count your blessings. Appreciate the people that never switched up. Don't chase an infatuation when you have love at home. Be grateful.

3. Nobody Wins When The Family Feuds

Self-love is also shown in the way you interact with others. Take the time to build your relationships. Just because we have a woman doesn't mean that she'll be there forever (especially if she doesn't have a ring on her finger). Although absence does make the heart grow fonder, negligence makes the heart grow cold. Love your loved ones. 

4. Be In It For The Legacy

The journey to self-love takes more than a day. Learning to effectively communicate or be intimate won't happen on the first try. Practice self-love by making minimal adjustments each day. Call your mother every Sunday, Spend a Saturday with your kids or younger siblings. Cook with your significant other sometimes. It may not seem like much, but the long-term effects of these actions will surprise you. The same rapper that made 'Big Pimpin'' made '4:44'. Give it time. Be a better man for yourself so you can be a better partner. Then you'll both become better parents. Then your kids will know what Love looks like and they'll know where to place their aspirations. Love yourself so you can Love others. 

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The Importance of a Summer Cleanse

Photo by Time Magazine

To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven. - Ecclesiastes 3:1

If you follow me on Instagram, then you know how well this resonates with the season and stage of life I am currently in. 

Just like its counterparts, summer has a great way of bringing about open doors, more traveling opportunities, new fashion trends and much more. From graduating, to advancing into a new job position or even moving across the country, this summer has proven to me just how much change can happen in your life and the lives of others in a matter of weeks to months. 

However, when it comes to change we tend to place emphasis on whats to come without recognizing the loss the accompanies it. As the saying goes, "everyone can't go with you" and this still remains. Truth is, change means that you will have to eventually shed those draining relationships, let go of that piece of clothing you always claim to wear one day and ultimately gain the courage to go for your dreams after all.

It can be scary, it can be discouraging but how do you know if you can fly if you never try? 

Today, I want to share with you five ways that can help you cleanse your life throughout the rest of the summer while you simultaneously take charge of your life. 

First, be mindful of your mind. Taking control of your thoughts can be hard but I cannot stress how imperative it is in terms of your mental health. What you allow to influence your mood and impact your energy can shape so many of your actions and experiences, so be strategic. One way I coped with this was through social media. We all known the devastating toll social media can have on mental health, so I quickly change whose presence I allowed onto my feed. With that came some hefty unfollowing (which I replaced with inspirational influencers, boutiques and overall "feel good" accounts) and I even went as far as deleting applications off my phone. 

Photo by iStock

After doing so, I saw an immediate change in my mood, productivity, interests and ultimately gained time back to focus on my actual in-person relationships, long-term goals and so much more.

Next, cleanse your soul.

Once I let go of toxic people, situations and influences, I began to find other ways to refuel my spirit. There's one of two ways you can start to do so:

1. Music 🎶

2. Get into the real WORD.

Before I noticed it for myself, my parents were actually the ones to reference how music has a great affect on my mood. Once I heard that, I started to see the truth in it. So, instead of turning on my local hip-hop station 24/7 or constantly listening to sappy R&B, I began to give a listening ear to more Christian and gospel-based music. Not to say this will work for everybody or that you have to go all spiritual, but try listening to something more uplifting for 24 hours straight and see what changes come to you. My church's CD has been on constant repeat in my car since its release in mid-March and I have seen significant change in my mood since I have added this into my everyday routine. Give it a listen here and feel free to comment your thoughts below!

Secondly, if you find yourself to be lacking spiritually or with a desire to develop a relationship with Christ, doing a devotional or reading plan will absolutely help you to start your day off on the right foot. A simple Google or Pinterest search will lead you to the one thats perfect for what you're needing in this season. This is the one that I am currently using! 

Photo by iStock

Lastly, because I don't want to make this post too long, you can even do some practical cleansing through three options.

1. Closet: We all have that item that we'll wear "one day" and before we know it, three years have passed and it still has the tag on it. With other things in life, its best to LET IT GO. Clean out all of those items that are taking up space and treat yourself once a month to a few new pieces of clothing. While also doing that, you can help out your local Salvation Army or Goodwill by donating your items for a greater cause. 

2. Work out: Okay, it might be too late to get that "summer body" you were claiming back in January as a New Years Resolution but its never to late to live a healthier lifestyle. Stop dreaming the pounds, cellulite or fat away and start doing something about it. Whether you look up at-home workouts, get a membership to a gym or make changes to your diet, you have to "trust the magic of new beginnings."

3. Journaling: Decluttering your mind as I stated is an essential part to self-care and the state of your mental health, so head to your local Target, TJ Maxx or Walmart, grad a journal and let it all out. Your handwriting doesn't have to be the prettiest and you don't have to share it with anyone but writing down your thoughts, your wishes, your dreams, your sorrows and more will allow for you to end your days with a clear heart and mind and these pages filled with your deepest emotions can eventually be used a reference book to show you just how far you've come when you reread it in the future. 

Take Care of Business, Take Care of Yourself

College is a never-ending roller-coaster. One day, you can be living it up at a house party. The next day, you are sobbing at 12 am in the study room. It is full of ups, downs, lefts, and rights. One of the sweetest pleasures about college is that there is always an end. There is an end to the semester, an end to the school year, but there is never an end to your mental health. The first couple of weeks of summer break will be a hot mess at times.

After a full first year of exams, student organizations, community service, and partying, I felt the need to get my life in order. From to-do lists to over 20 job applications, I was determined to return to my regular schedule back home. Each day, I boarded the Metra train in hopes of finding work. The city is always moving, and I wanted to move with it. Going downtown, made me feel like I was working, like I was important. I thought that I was doing everything right. In reality, I had it all wrong. Breakdowns began to visit me, especially at night. My mother would greet me and ask how I was doing. Tears would just rush down my face, and I would say, “Everything.”

Have you ever pumped a dry well? I have. I expected my bucket to overflow with opportunities after long hours of  job searching and endless busy work. What in the world was I trying to fulfil? An idea of what it meant to have a successful summer as a college student. I later discovered that I was not alone in this. Everyone, even those of us who are not in school, constantly push ourselves to meet academic, social, and professional expectations of others and ourselves.

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During our journeys to success, we fail to realize the importance of self-care. Here are a few tips on how to take care of yourself while you are taking care of business:

1. Check in with yourself

Photo by GIPHY

Before you start your day, check in with your body. What is your mind saying? What is your heart feeling? Make sure that you honor your body’s response. If you are not feeling your best, emotionally or physically, stay in bed! It is okay. Journaling is a great way to check in. Write it out. If that does not work, talk it out. Some of us need a visual representation, and some of us need audio. Do what works best for you.

2. Don’t dehumanize yourself

Photo by GIPHY

My sister-in-law consistently reminds me, “Don’t be so hard on yourself.” It sounds super simple, but we are truly our own enemies. Every day, we strategize new war tactics for our internal battles. Overworking yourself will only make things more difficult. Give what you can. You were not created to be a machine. You are here to breathe, love, rest, smile, cry, laugh, and be whatever makes you human!

3. Treat yourself

Photo by GIPHY

Funny story. I had the worst interview of my life with a popular department store. Surprisingly, I did not have a huge meltdown in the heart of Downtown Chicago. Instead, I sashayed to the nearest Chick-fil-A. I ordered myself a spicy chicken sandwich along with all of my favorite sauces, and I sat in silence sipping on some watermelon lemonade. My situation still sucked, but I had a good meal. Treating yourself does not always happen after a bad day. You deserve me time everyday; Binge-watch on Netflix, read a book, shop, take a walk, dance, make some art, or sit in silence. You know what you need, so give it to yourself.

Another One.

     The future of television is here. Streaming services like Netflix and Hulu have pushed competition aside as they give customers an original experience in the way we look at TV.  Binge-Watching has become "The New Normal" in how we watch our favorite shows. Today, it's not uncommon to knock out a season of House of Cards in one sitting. In fact, Xfinity's Watchathon Week, where for seven days you can catch up on every season of your favorite big name shows encourages such behavior. But when does binging go too far? 

First, how much television makes you a binge-watcher? Researchers have defined binge-watching as two to five consecutive hours of television. On Netflix, the prompt 'Are you still watching?' appears only after 4 or 5 episodes of nonstop playing. This is so if you aren't, Netflix can stop streaming the show and you can resume where you left off later. 

Photo by GIPHY

After hours of watching, I welcome this break because it allows me a self-care moment. I do a mental check of my needs and then act on them. This could be anything from eating to getting ready for bed. This also determines whether I keep binging as well. If a show becomes overwhelming and I need a moment to reflect, I stop watching. If I'm excited about the next story arc and can go a few more episodes, then I do. What's important is I do what's best for me, and so should you.  

Television is sometimes seen as lazy and unproductive, and with that comes a feeling of guilt when watching for long hours at a time. Truth is, everyone unwinds differently and many people find solace in the complicated plot lines, complex characters, and various timelines that come with this new age of television. So, are you still watching? 

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Why Safe Friendships Matter and How To Get Them

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“ You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” – Jim Rohn

Year after year, I would cringe every time I heard this quote. Deep down, I knew that I didn’t want to be like the majority of the people I surrounded myself with. Even deeper down, I knew that while I was giving my time, heart, and energy to these friendships and romantic relationships, I was doing deep damage to my soul. It may sound harsh, but let me be clear.  These people weren’t all truly horrible people, but the relationships were horrible for me. As I began to heal from my past traumas, I realized I had taken a backseat in my own life and just let life happen to me.  I never chose who came in and out of my life.  I let people break up with me, even if I wanted to break up first.  I held on to toxic friendships, because I just didn’t believe I had the strength to get out of them.   These relationships were unsafe for me, but I was holding on for dear life. 

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To live well, we need to both be a safe person and surround ourselves with safe people.   Safe relationships are the ones that are healthy and help us to grow.  In their book, Safe People, Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend identify a safe relationship as one that draws us closer to God, draws us closer to others, and helps us become the real person God created us to be.

The people in your life are critical to your healing, wellness, and joy.  Whether you’re aware of it or not, the people in your life are rubbing off on you. There are no neutral friendships.  Your friendships are either helping your healing or hindering it.  Who you are friends with is one of the most important decisions you will make, but the important thing is you get to choose.  You get to choose who’s in your space.  You get to choose who’s allowed into your heart.

Photo by GIPHY

Where should you start?

1. Start with you

Your journey to healthy friendships starts with you.  If you pair an unhealthy person with a healthy person, the relationship will likely still be unhealthy.  The unhealthy one may be you.  In friendships that went awry, think about exactly where things went wrong.  Are you the toxic one in your friendships?  Are you contributing to the toxicity in any way?  It may be tough to consider, but be honest with yourself, figure out the root cause, and get some healing.  If you find yourself surrounded with toxic people, ask yourself why you’re choosing these relationships.  Emotionally healthy people tend to make healthier decisions, so start with your own healing.

2.  Believe that safe people are out there.

Take some time and get a vision for what healthy friendships and relationships look like.  Think about what you want in a friendship.  Hold on to the belief that you actually can have healthy friendships and that safe and healthy people do exist. 

3. Find friends who show you grace. 

These are the friends that you can make mistakes with. You shouldn’t have to hide who you are in your friendships.  You should be allowed to be a little weird with those closest to you.  You should be allowed to be human, have separate opinions, and be whomever it is that God created you to be. If you constantly feel the need to walk on eggshells, this may be a sign that the relationship isn’t healthy. Have friends you can talk to openly and who make a practice of forgiving.

4. Find friends who tell you the truth in love

You need someone to tell you about yourself sometimes.  Someone who can show you where you’re wrong and challenge your weaknesses.  But great friends listen, ask questions, and pray.  Be wary of those who have a ready-made opinion or agenda they want to inflict upon you, especially if it’s regarding something they’ve never experienced for themselves or something that is not rooted in truth.  Some people have a habit of telling you their version of the truth, with no grace attached.  They come ready to attack your character and throw your mistakes in your face in the name of “keeping it real.”  They immediately see grace as sugar-coating, instead of seeing grace as speaking with humility and maturity.  Sugar-coating doesn’t help anyone, but grace tells the truth while still leaving your dignity in tact.  While you definitely need to hear the truth, when it’s done without grace, it can be severely damaging. Dr. Henry Cloud says “ And while we need to be confronted of our weaknesses, unsafe people, however, confront us not to forgive us, but to condemn and punish us.  They remove their love until we are appropriately chastened.”  This is not friendship.   That is not about telling you the truth.

Photo by GIPHY

While this list is certainly not exhaustive, it’s a starting point in cultivating healthy relationships.  As you move forward, you’ll find what works for you on this road to healing.

The Christmas Gifts

Photography from GIPHY

I haven't written in a really long time (which will change in the new year) but I decided to share with you all this piece I wrote a while ago entitled, the christmas gifts. Enjoy. - Morgan Brittani

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It’s almost Christmas Eve. That being said it is time for me to take a step back and reflect.. In light of this Christmas season, I am going to share the three Christmas Gifts in which God has given me after much prayer. These being love, joy, and peace. I guess I’ll start with love.

THE GIFT OF LOVE.

Love is something that we all grow up wanting to encounter. Disney princesses made me feel as if love was something that could only be given by a kiss or a prince. However, I have realized over the years that love is more than a physical attraction between two people. Love is a gift, a gift that God has bestowed upon the people of this world.

The gift of love is such a beautiful thing and can help someone out of their deepest pains. This year has been a complete game changer for me. Right after I truly started to entirely believe in my God without a doubt he tested my faith. This test did not come in the form I had imagined. The light that surrounding me soon became too dim to rely on. The love given by my loved ones restored not only my physical, mental, and emotional well-being but made me in fact a stronger Morgan. Agape Love. That is the first gift that God has given me. I am truly blessed to be surrounded by so many people who love and want the best for me.

THE GIFT OF JOY.

I used to get so down. Down for reasons I could not even begin to explain. I wouldn'tbe able to eat, sleep, sometimes, and I didn't understand why. I did not know exactly why my heart was filled with this hole. I would cry out to God to please fix it, fix me. I wanted to have my heart filled with nothing but love once again. I prayed… On January 31, 2013, I was in the car with my best friend going to the Watch Night Service. We were listening to Christian music on the way there preparing our hearts for what was to come. Then, “I want it back,” by Tye Tribbett began to play. I had never heard this song but it was truly speaking to me. The words to that song unexplainably captured my soul. Then, my friend said “Say you want your joy back,” my spirit shook.

It was so ironic because I did not know what it was necessarily that was missing from my life. God had revealed it to me through her, it was such a beautiful experience. Later that night, it was prayer time. I went up to receive prayer and that night I was told, “God is going to restore you of your joy…” I can now report to you that I have never been more joyful in my entire life. I know that there will be more test and I will have some bad days.

JOY last longer than happiness. Happiness is a feeling, a feeling that can go away as fast or faster than it came. JOY is everlasting. The fact that God has blessed me with such an amazing gift is overwhelming. For this I have prayed. I want to share my joy with all of those that I ever encounter. I pray that I can touch as many as possible to spread the joy that God has given me.

THE GIFT OF PEACE.

After all of my trials, God has given me peace. I am able to trust him no matter the circumstance. This peace has allowed me to carry myself in a different way than ever before. Peace may be the last of the three gifts in which God has given me. However, this sense of peace has changed my life and has allowed me to further live without the fears that tomorrow may bring.

Photograph from GIPHY

Merry Christmas y'all. I hope your Christmas is filled with lots of love, joy and peace. Enjoy this time!

with joy,

Morgan Brittani

House Cleaning

Photo by Morgan Daniels

Sometimes removing things from our lives can be a tough experience. This could be a person, object or thing you have grown an attachment with, a location you repeatedly visit, or just a habit you are used to doing for so long it becomes a daily routine for you. I know I have gone through my share of “removals” throughout my life, most were tough to go through but they all taught me a valuable lesson. You cannot find joy in harmful people or things no matter how much good you may see in those things or people. Most of the time when we as people and human beings begin to lose that joy or happiness, we look for it in other things and people. For example, if you are having a bad day, you may go shopping because it brings you pleasure or to the gym to workout. But sometimes those things we go to in order to find that missing joy and fill that void, may not be good for us in the long run. I took the month of November to remove dead weight or remove things and people that meant me no good or became a burden to my joy. Sort of like a sense of “house cleaning”. Some were tough for me but I know now that I must be around positivity in order for me to continuously be happy. Listed below are some ways to remove toxic relationships and patterns from your life and begin to find that joy that was once missing:

1. Begin a Morning Routine
   Start your day off an hour earlier than scheduled. This is time for you to get yourself ready for the day. Unwind a bit before your hectic schedule begins to take over. This is a time to forget about any problems from the previous day especially if you have no control over those problems, as it may hinder you from moving forward. Start off with a nice breakfast, or at least try to grab a bite to eat on the go to school or work. Breakfast really is the most important meal of the day and it can help determine whether you are going to have a good or bad day. You can also exercise, read a book or the paper before beginning normal daily routines.

2. Stop Smoking and Drinking
   Replace daily toxic habits with more healthier choices like eating fruit, exercising, or chewing gum during times you may feel the urge to light one up or take a sip. Even though we may think these things are solving the problem and helping towards relaxing things, they are really just making us more irritable and uneasy throughout the day.

3. End Bad Relationships
   A typical bad relationship with someone will vary from person to person. What one may see as bad, another may not. But if you are around someone who constantly makes you feel bad about yourself, or constantly downs you as a person, it is time to cut that relationship off. A real friend or relationship with someone whether it be your wife/husband, girlfriend/boyfriend, or significant other/life partner should never make you feel bad or negative.

4. Check Yourself
   If you are constantly downing everyone around you, it is time for you to do a reality check of yourself. Sometimes we get so caught up in focusing on what others are doing bad to us that we forget how to treat others. Sometimes our toxic experience end up becoming our own toxic habits towards others. Break that cycle by always respecting others no matter how they treat you. Always be kind, you never know what a person may be going through.

Reality Check

Photo by Morgan Daniels

Have you ever heard the saying that, “if you are falling out with everyone around you, you must be the problem?" This is true to an extent.

Sometimes we may know something is wrong but we are automatically programmed to believe that the problem must be with the people around us, that it couldn’t possibly be me causing so much harm and mishaps constantly. Have you ever felt like everything you are doing is wrong because nothing is going right for you or the way that you would like for things to go? Well I am here to tell you that yes, you can be the root of your very own problems.

Reality checks are needed occasionally to remind us that we too must be nice at all times and respectable towards others as well as ourselves. For example, ask yourself these questions when it comes to your relationships with others: Am I listening to understand when having conversations with this person, or am I listening to have response back? Am I compromising when it comes to situations and subjects we cannot agree on, or is it my way or no way? Are my extracurricular activities actually helping me in the long run, or are they bringing me more harm and placing me in tougher situations that I am already in? Finding a balance and figuring out what is good for you and what is not good for you, along with those around you, can really help make things easier for you on your search for joy.

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Hey everyone! My name is Keara Douglas from Delux Designs (DE), LLC out of Fort Lawn, SC. First and foremost, I would like to thank JOYday Movement’s founder Morgan Brittani for giving me the opportunity to become a writer for this amazing movement. I have been following the official twitter page for it for some time now and have been a fan ever since. I look forward to contributing more posts for the website along with future twitter chats, thanks everyone, happy blogging!

Let It Go

Photo by Morgan Daniels

Written by Quinci

What is holding you captive? Emotionally, mentally, spiritually and even physically?

For a lot of us, we hold onto habits and people that aren't healthy for us. We hold on out of fear, comfort, and that taunting "what if?”

How amazing would it be to just say no?

Freeing yourself of the attachment of that person you know isn't good for you. Letting go of past mental trauma and pain that can your growth, releasing all negative and toxic energy that stops your spirit from healing, then blooming into your full potential.

I, personally, have experienced not being able to let go of an unhealthy situation. A lot of times I feel as if people really just hold onto people who do not serve a greater good because of memories, comfort, attachment, or the what could be.

“What if they realize my potential?”

"What if they came back around?"

Honestly, within the last three to four weeks I've realized that if you constantly have to make excuses for why something isn't working, solely relying on the "what if's", or potential it's time to...

LET IT GO. Again, let it go!

Do it when you're genuinely ready and completely ready to grow. Forcing yourself will only make the task more daunting and harder to really let go, trust me.

STEP 1:

Get closure for yourself.

If needed, talk that person. If it's not possible to actually contact them, write them a letter and then burn it.

STEP 2:

Delete any pictures, messages, or any memories. Even though that's the hard part.

If it's something you're battling on a spiritual level, purge.

Release your negative energy, face your demons, cry it out, and release whatever is holding you captive. Find time to meditate or a place to clear your mind and hear your own thoughts. There are also a lot of spiritual rituals you can do to help balance out your soul and boost your positive energy.

STEP 3:

If it's physical, find something that makes you feel refreshed but mostly importantly, healthy.

Ex: Work out, go on a walk, or listen to music that just makes you feel free and happy! Just do anything that helps you, there's no set formula.

With the end of the year near, it would be awesome for everyone to be able to go into the new year baggage free, healthy, happy and ready to grow.

If you have any suggestions on how to let go and serve your highest self let us know!

Tears

Illustration by Morgan Daniels

I used to hate crying. I thought it made me look weak and childish. So, I bottled. I carried within me fountains of tears I wouldn’t release because I was so afraid of being vulnerable. I was afraid that my tears would show others the state of my soul. I was afraid that my tears would tell me the truth. The truth I was too afraid of facing. But, a little over a year ago, I gave up on the idea of bottling my emotions. I gave up on the lie that hiding my tears meant covering up my flaws. I gave up on the notion that vulnerability was weakness. I am the woman who cries when I see strangers crying. I weep at movies, music, poetry, random words thrown together, affirmations, confirmations… you name it (yes, you can say that with your Shirley Caesar voice). I pour my soul over coffee in Starbucks and I cry. I don’t care. Crying is healthy.

I’m an advocate of self-care and self-love. Over the past year I’ve learned the importance of loving myself and taking care of the body, mind and soul I call home. Crying, for me, is a part of my self-care regime and a way that I remind myself to love who I am, where I am and where I’ve been. I wish I could say that my life has been painted with gold and drenched in honey. But, it hasn’t. Life happens. It happens to all of us, but even then, your mind needs your honesty. Your soul needs your truth. It is okay to cry. It is okay to feel. Release yourself, you don’t have to fight yourself anymore. Your vulnerability is not weakness- it is strength. Your tears water your soul, don’t fight your own growth.

If I hadn’t cried myself weary that day in June 2015, I wouldn’t be where I am now. Just releasing all the weight I was carrying for all the years I was at war with who I was, what I had been through and who did what to me, changed everything. Life didn’t suddenly change but, I sure felt better and I had a clearer perspective. My vision was clearing up, I opened myself to myself. That’s it. Crying reminded me that I am human too. That I feel like everyone else- maybe more than others. It reminded me that I couldn’t keep on faking it ‘till I made it. I had to be honest. I had to make a decision to take care of myself. To love me. All of me. So, I cried. I wept for days, weeks, months even. Honestly, it is okay to cry. Don’t be your own prisoner. Release yourself.

Cry. You are not weak, you are being watered.

Sweet November

Photo by Morgan Daniels

Written by Key

November is a bittersweet month for me. No longer is it summer, it’s fall. It’s not even early fall where there are some leaves left and the weather is mild, nope...the leaves are almost gone and it’s brisk. The wind hits my face quick and hard. It gets dark faster. It’s not my month.

Everyone is happy with holiday cheer and I fall quickly into a slump, I think.

It’s been this way for three years. Three years ago I began my November with illness and frequent hospital visits and ended it with heartbreak. In the middle somewhere was what I had planned to be one of the best days for me, a day of celebration. That perfect cool mild November day soon turned into a night that I’ll never forget...don’t matter how many times I try not to “think about that time.” He was the highlight of my day. It was the day that we could finally be together, but quickly…that white picket dream was crushed before it even had the chance to be birthed into a reality.

November is the month of my parents anniversary. Something I never had. No one ever to bring home for thanksgiving, or even mention. November last year was my last month of hope. November brings on anxiety, one that looms over my heart and makes it tremble, flutter, palpate...in the same way that my heart did as I lay in my bed gasping for air three years ago….in the same way my heart did as I cried “how.”

November is the month that I lost my friendship of six years due to a situation that also caused me to lose the guy that I thought would be next to me this year at the thanksgiving table...Christmas...and next January... February …. and May…. and August.

November isn’t just a loss for the trees, it’s a loss for me..

This year I didn’t weep. I cried but I didn’t weep. I know that leaves fall for a reason and times of turmoil are just for a season. This year, I was renewed and finally let go of the leaves I was holding onto so deeply. The resentment, the pain, the comparisions.

November is a bittersweet month for me. It’s never been the kindest yet it always comes bringing unexpected beautiful gifts of growth.

As I’ve grown older, I’ve forgotten how to play in the leaves that fall. I think it’s time to learn.